so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Text me some of your sweat
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
