the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
