If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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