At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
