I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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