We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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