I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
