I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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