she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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