shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
