I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
