Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
