so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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