I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
