I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
