I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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