I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
