My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
