Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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