I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
