but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
