I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
