dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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