So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
