I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
