we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
