Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
