Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
