I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
