Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Even my vagina gasped.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
