South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
