I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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