I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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