So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
