I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
