I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
