I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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