I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
