Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
