I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
