Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
