so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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