the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
