a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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