please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
