I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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