Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
