i was born a porn star she said
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
