I hope mine doesn't look like that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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