A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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