I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize