o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
