I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize