John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
