when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
