Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have peed in a lot of sinks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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