I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
