Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
