If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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